Is this for the best?
by SupremeOutcast
Summary: Edward had always convinced himself that if he ever had to leave Bella it would be best for both of them. But as the time for him to leave draws near he finds himself questioning his actions and wondering if he will ever heal. One shot. Teen only because the books are.


**A/N: This is my first fanfiction. I've gone back and edited quite a lot, so any issues should have been fixed. If you see one that hasn't been fixed, please tell me. This is set during the scene where Edward is leaving. It makes the most sense if you consider that edward is looking back on this event, and these re his memories. Enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. This is just my interpretation of thoughts character owned by Stephanie Meyer during an event owned by her as well. Some dialog is borrowed for new moon in order to successfully express Edward's thoughts during this scene. **

Is it for the best?

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me." I had to speak the vile words slowly and precisely, or risk a complete melt down. I kept my eyes on her face watching her during one of the last moment that we would be together. I only just managed to keep my expression neutral, if not cold as I watched as she absorbed my cruel betrayal. She seemed stunned. Watching her try to absorbed my words was difficult, I wanted to reach out and show her that I still truly loved her and this was just for her own good, a gift out of love.

In that pause I repeated the words that had convinced me to leave her in my head over and over again, they were my only tie to sanity, it's for the best, it's for the best. Vampires are soulless monstrosities designed in every aspect to kill. Get too attached to a human and you will eventually ruin their lives. It's for the best. She will move on. It's for the best.

Time heals humans.

It's. For. The. Best. One day I'll look back through the coming pain and sorrow and see that this decision is for the best, I tried to convince myself.

"You… don't… want me?" Bella tried out the words, confused by the way they sounded, placed in that order.

"No." my heart was breaking. I could literally feel the wrenching pain all the way through my cold un-beating heart.

Lying to her was the only way for her to be happy... the only way to keep her safe... the only way to give her the normal life with a normal love like she deserved, not some heartless murderer thirsting for her blood every second of the day.

She stared, shocked, into my eyes. It was relief that she believed me, but then again she was so trusting... My Bella... My lov- no don't even. If I were to get through this I would need to numb my self completely. Shut down until absolutely necessary. I stared back trying to hold it together so she could have a chance. It is for the best.

My lifeline kicks in as I numb myself. Easier to lie and deceive my only love. I stare deep into her eyes memorizing their perfection... So beatif- stop that. Focus is key to saving her Edward. Her brown eyes were like pools soft brown chocolate which I knew that humans loved. They were so wet with unshed tears of shock, confusion, and betrayal. I realized at that moment how much she trusted me, how much she believed my lies. Enough so that one word uttered in a single moment could crush the past half of a year. In that moment my pain, loss, and sorrow increased by a tenfold. I needed to finish weaving this web of deceit or I would crack, ruining her future.

"Well, that changes things." I was surprised by how calm and collected her voice sounded. She is just in shock, see Edward, time will heal her. It's for the best.

I hoped that she wasn't feeling the internal numbness that I was experiencing. It will be fine this is for the best... for Bella's sake you have to pull through and follow the plan. I made no sense to myself, how could I, the one who had loved her so much and refrained from feeding on her, my singer, suddenly have a change of heart? When vampires love, its permanent. I had told Bella this countless times, but I was praying that she might forget. Her hurt expression told me that she did, in a way, but I needed to be more clear and logical. I couldn't face her as I prepared to lie once more her expression was trying to stab me in my frozen heart. I looked away into the trees and spoke again.

"Of course, I'll always love you… in a way. But what happened the other night made me realize that it's time for a change. Because I'm… tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human." I looked back, at her fragile, soft human face... so breakable, so loving, so sad. I had to stop thinking of her and get it over with. "I've let this go on much too long, and I'm sorry for that." we were now both paying the price for my carelessness. I was hurting her, this only confirmed my soullessness.

"Don't." Her voice startled me, as it was just a whisper. Ahhhh... So it was hurting her as much as it was I. Her pain was stabbing at me. I was time like the that I felt so terribly sorry for Jasper with his empathetic powers. All I was trying to do was save her. I tried once more to be perfectly rational with myself.

"Don't do this." Bella begged me. It took all that I had not to close the distance between us and say that it was all a misunderstanding, and that I meant nothing of what I had said previously about leaving. But my mind was already made up: I. Was. Leaving. And. It. Was. For. The. Best. Unable to rely on my mouth to produce the desired words I just stared, going back to the activity of memorizing every second that I had with her. I felt her internally slump as she realized that the inevitable could not be changed. I was leaving.

"You're not good for me, Bella." I turned my earlier words around, having anticipated an argument. Leaving her with no points to make for my staying with her should have been a relief, I would have been able to leave quickly and without much resistance. Instead, it was pure torture, there were no loopholes in my plan for me to manipulate. I loved her with every ounce of my existence, and wanted to let her be happy with one of her own kind. She deserved it. But the pain was almost unbearable. Edward stop it, I told my self, it is for the best. She, the most perfect creature on the planet would be loved, but not by me, not by a monster.

She opened her mouth to say something, and then closed it again. I waited covering up my impatience to hear her voice a few more times with a mask wiped clean of all emotion.

She tried once more...

"If… that's what you want." I nodded once. Not trusting myself for words quite yet.

I was numb, cold, and sorrowful. I let nothing show through my mask, my protection, and my barrier to the world.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," I said.

I looked at her face and saw a reflection of the numbness in me, covering up the edges of fierce love like a blanket, it surprised me and I pulled my mask down for a single instant as I observed.

"Anything," she vowed, her voice faintly stronger. I felt the barrier between me her melt for the briefest time as I felt an utter conviction about what I was to say.

I looked into her large pool like eyes and let some of my concealed love return, while still being in control of my emotions.

"Don't do anything reckless or stupid," I ordered, no longer numb, for in that the moment I meant every word that I said. "Do you understand what I'm saying?" she nodded and continued staring at me. Helpless. I put my mask back on and returned to the numbness. "I'm thinking of Charlie, of course." I said willing my lie to seem that simple. "He needs you. Take care of yourself-for him." trying to recover from my unmasked, unsheltered moment. She nodded again.

"I will," She whispered. I tried to make it seem as though I had relaxed. Now that "Charlie's safety" was insured I was done. I retreated further in to numbness as the next gut wrenching statement took me.

"And I'll make you a promise in return," I said. "I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed. Her knees were shaking, and she was swaying slightly back and forth. I could hear her pulse picking up. My worry for her brought the world in and out of focus... repeatedly. I smiled gently. "Don't worry. You're human–your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind." I hoped that that would be true for her as well, that she would continue her life as though she had never met me or I had never existed.

"And your memories?" she choked out. Always worried about the monster.

"Well"–I hesitated for a short second this would be extremely painful –"I won't forget. But my kind… we're very easily distracted." I smiled, more of a grimace really. There would be no distractions for me. My life, or rather semi-after life would be hell. I still would deserve more for being a monster.

I took a step away from Bella. "That's everything, I suppose. We won't bother you again." it pained me that the others couldn't say goodbye. It was for the best.

She looked at me with a pained expression on her face. "Alice isn't coming back." she stated. I shook my head slowly, watching her face carefully and wary. The calm is always before the storm.

"No. They're all gone. I staved behind to tell you goodbye."

"Alice is gone?" Her voice killed me. She sounded so lost, as though she had been depending on her best friend to talk some sense into me and get me to change my mind.

"She wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you." she would get a clean brake. That was my other gift to her. I however would get no such thing. I needed to concentrate, to find a way to quickly end this conversation before I changed my min- no! My mind was made up, I would not even think of harming her in that way. There was no backing out of this now. It is for the best.

"Goodbye, Bella", With the same amount of deadening numbness.

"Wait!" she cried, reaching for me.

I stopped her. I couldn't afford any mistakes. My hands locked around her wrists and pinned them to her sides. I leaned down, and pressed my lips very lightly to her forehead for the briefest instant. Her eyes closed and I fought to keep my composure. It is for the best. Now she will have a life.

"Take care of yourself," I breathed, once again cataloging her scent in my flawless memory. I ran to no particular direction, and then hid in the trees listening to her search for me and cry out. I had already removed all evidence of the Cullens from her house and all I had left to do was leave... as if that would be an easy thing to do.

Love, life, meaning… over.

I had to leave now. It was the hardest thing that I had ever had to do, trying to leave her... my Bella. Harder than even resisting her blood on the very first day. Or seeing her in pain at the hands of that nomad, James. I ran all the way to Cornell, where the rest of my family had gone when I told them that we had to leave for Bella's sake. I needed the time to think and recover from the events of earlier that day. It was physically painful to leave her, it felt as though and invisible rope connected her and I, a bungee cord that was slowly stretching and would eventually either break, or snap back to its original size. As I stormed into our house, everyone came rushing out to see me before I left as Alice had predicted that I would. Emmett and Rosalie were busily packing for their extended European honeymoon for their newest wedding. Jasper would be taking classes at Cornell. Alice was to start researching her previous life. Esme was restoring a house, and Carlisle was work at the college. They had all taken the day off of their respective activities to see me. I would have been touched if I hadn't been so torn by the "loss" of Bella. All their thoughts were along the line of "Edward what happened?", "Was it really that bad?", "It's okay Edward, we're all here for you.", "I MISS BELLA!", and "She's just a human Edward! Get over yourself!"

"I don't want to talk right now. Leave me alone Alice. I don't need to feel your loss as well as mine." I screamed even though everyone in the room had super-hearing.

A chorus of mental goodbyes and sympathies followed me as I left.

_It was for the best, but what was best for her was defiantly not the best for me._

_**A/N: Thank you for reading. This is the updated version of Is it for the best?. Please review... make your comments, complaints, opinions, and general thoughts known!**_


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